


so tell me why my gods look like you

by stormysirens



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Best Friends, Christmas Fluff, Dead Pennywise (IT), Falling In Love, First Kiss, Fix-It of Sorts, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Love Confessions, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Rated T for Trashmouth (IT), Religious Conflict, Sharing a Bed, They Beat Pennywise The First Time, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, brief angst, its soft i promise, just kidding rated T for swearing, of sorts, what's this clown doing in my love story?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28371159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormysirens/pseuds/stormysirens
Summary: “I don’t need something bigger than me,” he finally said.“Why not?”Richie turned to face Eddie, “I have you don’t I? I believe in you.”- or the one where Richie and Eddie spend another Christmas together, but this year they break tradition. -
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 16
Kudos: 85





	so tell me why my gods look like you

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! It's the holiday season so I wanted to write a bit of Christmas fluff to get into the festive spirit. It's mostly a lot of sappy, warm stuff with some old religious conflict sprinkled in. (I promise it's really soft). But yeah, no disrespect to anyone this is just a piece I needed to get out. Anyways, hope you all enjoy the fic! See you back at the end for some more notes :)

It was cold.

His legs ached and his lungs burned, and despite the double layers he had on Richie was fucking _freezing_. He probably should have generated some heat by now with the heavy pedaling he was doing, but Decembers in Derry were unforgiving and the winds were starting to pick up. It didn’t help that the roads were slick so steering was also unnecessarily difficult.

The cool air pricked at his skin and left his exposed hands feeling achy. Richie knew that as soon as he made it over the last few hills he’d be home free. Knew that there would be cotton sheets, a running heater, and warm hands waiting for him. He just had to get there.

When he finally made it to Eddie’s driveway, he stashed his bike behind the bushes next to his house and peered around the corner to see if the window was already open for him. He was pleasantly surprised to find that it was. As he rounded the side of the house and stepped into the backyard, Richie saw that Eddie was _also_ waiting for him by the open space.

His head was propped up in his hands and he wore this oddly thoughtful expression as he stared out into the yard. It was a fairly dark night, but the snow piles scattered across the lawn helped keep things brighter than they normally would be. He heaved out a soft sigh and Richie watched in fascination as it caught in the light from his room, then carried off with the breeze.

Sometimes it was nice seeing Eddie like this – at a distance. There was less weight to it, less consequences. He could let his gaze linger and not have to worry about explaining all the blurred lines in their relationship.

Eddie shivered and it somehow shook Richie from his thoughts too.

“Eds?”

The shorter boy startled a bit and cursed under his breath, “You scared me, asshole.”

Richie would’ve found it funnier under different circumstances but given their history with jump scares, spooking Eddie only made him feel guilty. Every one of the Losers had something they still couldn’t shake, he sometimes forgot that being snuck up on was his.

“Sorry, Spaghetti,” he said, hoping to sound as sincere as he felt.

“S’fine, what took you so long anyways?” he asked.

“I went to pick something up before I got here,” Richie explained.

Eddie perked up at that. He gripped the windowsill and leaned forward to see if he could make out what he brought. His surprise was tucked safely into Richie’s bag, though, so it was a useless attempt.

“Christ, Eds, get back inside and I’ll show you what I got when I go up there. You know it makes me nervous when you do that,” he said, waving for him to back up.

“You’re no fun,” Eddie grumbled as he ducked back into the house.

Richie chuckled a bit before he adjusted his bag and started making his way up the old oak tree beside his room. He’d been doing it for so long now that navigating his way around the branches and dead leaves was second nature. Sure there were still times where he’d get a scraped knee or a splintered palm from reckless excitement, but it was habit by now – completely familiar.

When he finally reached the top, he was greeted with Eddie’s pouty face illuminated by the soft lights hanging from the window frame.

He looked so _warm_.

“Come over here and help me,” Richie said, shrugging his backpack off for him to take, “I won’t fit through there with this on and I’m freezing my balls off out here.”

“Beep beep, Trashmouth,” he chided, but it was entirely too fond for it carry any real bite.

He reached forward and took the bag into his room while Richie struggled to crawl in through the open space. This had been much easier when he was thirteen and better coordinated. Now pulling himself through Eddie’s window was hard with all the long limbs and clumsy movements, but he eventually managed.

As soon as he made it into the room he shrugged off his wet winter coat and draped it over the desk chair before flopping down onto the bed. Eddie was quick about closing the window behind him so that the cool air got locked out. Richie took in a deep breath and let his eyes flutter shut for moment – he’d made it.

“So what’d you get?”

He squinted up at Eddie from where he laid, then gestured to his bag resting at the foot of the bed, “Bill gave me some of that warm eggnog you like so much. Don’t know how you drink the stuff, but it’s in the thermos whenever you want any.”

After a bit of rummaging through the different pockets, Eddie finally pulled the canister from his backpack. He unscrewed the lid and took a small sip before smiling to himself and letting out a gentle hum of satisfaction.

“Thanks, Rich,” he beamed.

“Anything for you, Spaghetti.” And despite how mushy that sounded, he meant it.

“Oh!” Eddie exclaimed, as if he’d just remembered something, “I have something for you too actually, check the nightstand.”

Richie quirked a brow at him, but still reached over to pull open the bedside drawer. His face lit up when he realized that there was a box of sugar cookies waiting for him to take. Eddie hated them – thought that they tasted like cardboard circles with playdough frosting – but he liked gifting them to him since they were his favorite holiday snack.

“You know me so well,” Richie said before he proceeded to stuff a green frosted cookie into his mouth.

“Yeah, yeah,” Eddie muttered as he made his way over to the bed, “now make room so I can sit with you. I need to ask you something.”

 _That_ piqued his interest. It also spiked his nerves. Unprompted questions always felt like they came from a place of accusation rather than curiosity.

“What’s up?” he asked, sucking in a deep breath.

Eddie fell into the space between his legs and sighed, “I have to be up super early for church tomorrow, so I was wondering if we could open gifts now?”

“Oh,” Richie breathed out, _relieved._

“We don’t have to! I just wanted to make sure we both get some sleep since you’ll have to leave sooner than you normally do,” he explained.

“That’s fine, Eds,” he assured, “how come you need to go so early though? Don’t you usually do midday mass or whatever?”

Eddie nodded, “Mhm, but my mom guilt tripped me into doing the one at dawn so we could have the full day to spend with my family. She made a big deal about the fact that since it’s my last Christmas here I needed to prioritize our time together.”

Richie made a face, “It’s not like we aren’t coming home for the holidays after we leave for college.”

“Yeah, well, that’s not how she sees it,” he muttered.

There was an edge to his tone that made it evident he wanted the conversation to end there. Lately _any_ conversations involving his mom were slightly bitter or forced through gritted teeth. Richie couldn’t tell if all that anger was a product of time or bottled emotions. Maybe a good mix of the two.

The room was uncomfortably still for a few seconds. Eddie stared down at the hands folded in his lap with tightly furrowed brows. Richie hated seeing him so tense, hated seeing all the worry lines and the clenched jaw and the twitchy leg. He sat up and reached forward to rest his hand on Eddie’s bouncing knee, then gave it a gentle squeeze.

“I think swapping gifts right now is a good idea,” Richie said, earnestly, “I’m actually kind of tired today anyways.”

That was a lie and they both knew it. He could barely sleep through the night even on his good days. Most of the time sleep didn’t settle in for him until well after midnight. Eddie didn’t fight him on it, he just hummed in affirmation and got up to sit by the mini tree that was tucked into the corner of his room. Richie joined him by grabbing Eddie’s gift from his bag and kneeling in the space beside him.

“You first,” he said, passing Eddie the carefully wrapped present.

There was no hesitation in the way he immediately tore into the gift. There never was. Eddie was so impulsive in such specific areas of his life and it never failed to baffle Richie. The way he opened the presents didn’t really matter though, not in the long run; they were never delicate so they didn’t need cautious handling.

He and Eddie decided on setting a price range that year since they’d been trying to save money for the spring tuition and rent. It had been ridiculously hard to pick out something small that Richie thought he’d like. He ended up finding this nice jean jacket with a cool print of the Marvel heroes spread out across the back.

Once he’d finished tearing through all the wrapping paper and had the folded jacket sitting in his lap, Eddie ran his fingers across the fabric and smiled fondly up at Richie.

“It’s so nice, and I’ve been wanting a jean jacket for _months_. How’d you know?” Eddie asked.

Richie grinned and shrugged, “Lucky guess.”

“Dummy,” Eddie muttered as he playfully bumped his shoulder, “Thank you. I can’t wait to wear it.”

He turned to place the bundled fabric next to him, then pulled out his gift for Richie. It looked smaller than his and was even more poorly wrapped, but Eddie seemed so hopeful when he handed it to him. Richie took his time in opening the gift and made sure not to accidentally harm any of its contents.

After all the wrapping paper was torn and discarded, he stared curiously at the leather-bound notebook he held in his hands. He wasn’t much of a writer – that had always been more for Bill – but any notes he made for possible jokes were mostly chicken scratch written on scattered pieces of paper. So this present came as a bit of a surprise for him.

“Why-” he started, but Eddie cut him off before he could continue.

“It’s for when we get to California,” he explained, “your notes for skits and stuff are always so disorganized and I wanted to get you something nice to put them in. Plus you complain a lot about not having anything on hand when you get an idea so I thought this would be nice.”

It took a moment for the sentiment to register, but once it did Richie’s confused gaze softened and a small smile graced his lips. He was pretty bad at keeping track of his own thoughts and if there was nothing tangible to capture his ideas on then they were usually gone forever. Eddie tried to help wherever he could. He stashed a bunch of loose papers in his school folders and kept sticky notes in his fanny pack; sometimes he just made sure to have a pen on hand.

It wasn’t much, but something about the way Eddie was always looking out for him made Richie ache.

“I know it’s not what you’re used to, but-”

“It’s perfect,” Richie said, smiling brightly at him.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Thanks, Spaghetti!”

Eddie gave a shy hum in response before he went to gather their trash to toss in the small bin by his desk. When he came back to sit beside Richie, he also had the cheap golden star for their mini tree with him. He held out the decoration for him to take so that they could mount it atop the tree together.

“Alright, let’s do this,” Eddie said, determined.

Once they finished placing the star on the tree, the pair slowly sat back to admire their work. It sounded stupid, but whole room felt more tied together somehow – more _settled_. The colored lights hung from every corner of the room and the smell of apple-cinnamon filled the small space. It was warm and safe.

“You did so good with the decorations,” Richie praised, reaching out to ruffle Eddie’s hair.

He flustered at the compliment and blushed this nice shade of pink, “You know I hate it when you do that! You’ll mess up my hair.”

Eddie swatted at his hand, but the embarrassed reaction only fueled Richie further.

“Aw, you’re so cute, Eds,” Richie teased, lightly pinching his cheek, “ _cute, cute, cute!_ ”

He tried his best to contain the burst of laughter that threatened to push past his lips after Eddie’s face lit up red like some of the Christmas lights.

“Beep _beep_ , Asshole,” he exclaimed as he surged forward to give him a hard shove.

Their light spout of teasing and play-fighting eventually ended in a fit of poorly concealed giggles. The pair fell back against the carpeted floor and laid there until their laughter no longer needed to be muffled by sweaty palms or whispered hushes. The conversation shifted once they both settled down, all the excitement bleeding into things that were more mundane or domestic. Richie wasn’t sure why, but they were weirdly good at changing topics without needing a buffer in between. He figured that it was just part of their nature.

He liked that they could talk about anything without feeling like he was treading certain lines. Of course some things were off limits (namely stuff relating to the summer of 89’) but for the most part they shared every aspect of their lives with each other. That night the conversation drifted from work to home to school. They’d jumped topics a lot, but the two mostly kept finding their discussion shifting back to college and what was in store for the seven of them.

Richie didn’t like thinking of it much, but that summer brought them closer together. _It_ was gone for good and the shared experience of what happened to them resulted in an extremely hard bond to break. The older they got the more they realized how well they worked together. Stan once said they were a bit like misshapen puzzle pieces that were only fit for each other. (Richie made fun of him for it at the time, but he knew that what he’d said was true).

When high school ended their group decided on taking a gap year to save money so that they could finally skip their shitty town together, like they were always meant to. California was big and there was enough wherever they landed to support each of their dreams. School had never been his thing, but Richie was ready to _leave_. Ready to scream through the back of Bill’s open truck window while Derry became nothing but a distant vision.

“What do you think they’ll have on campus?” Eddie asked, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Aside from the school buildings and the libraries? Probably restaurants and cafes and little sitting areas.”

“Do you think they’ll have a church?” Eddie mused.

The question shouldn’t have startled him as much as it did, but he couldn’t help it. Living in a small town meant living with all the small-town church mentality. It meant constantly having to deal with bullshit fear tactics and false teachings. Religion wasn’t something Richie outwardly opposed, but it was definitely something he was ready to leave behind as well.

“Why?” he managed to ask, but it was laced with more distaste than he intended.

If Eddie picked up on it, he didn’t think or care enough to mention it. Instead, he gave Richie a rather thoughtful reply, “I think I want to go – without my mom – I mean. Maybe it’ll feel different in a progressive city, less restricting. You know?”

“I guess,” Richie shrugged, “I don’t really get it, though.”

And he didn’t _._ What would change? Growing up Catholic came with a lot of stuff, but it was mostly just weird guilt and misplaced anger. They’d stopped going to church when he was young, around the same time that everything happened. If he’d been questioning anything then, it was confirmed after they crawled out of Neibolt. For a while, he blamed himself. Richie figured that if he attended more, prayed more, _believed_ more – it could’ve helped. But those were naïve thoughts (stupid, childish ones) and he wasn’t sure how some priest or congregation in a different city was going to fix all that.

“I don’t like church or anything,” Eddie explained, “I think it’s more about having something to believe in. It helps me rationalize stuff.”

“I’m not into any of that,” Richie said, trying not to sound as defensive as he felt. He wanted him to take comfort in something, he deserved it, “I’m glad it helps you at least.”

“There’s nothing spiritual you associate with? Not even a little bit?” Eddie asked, slightly incredulous.

“Why should I?” he countered.

Eddie paused, then, “I don’t know. You don’t want to believe in something bigger than yourself?”

He thought about it while staring up at the plain popcorn ceiling. If there _was_ something out there then they must not give shit about him. Because they weren’t there with him in that cave, or that arcade, or that bridge he carved their initials into. If there _was_ something out there then he was sick of having to prove himself to them. He was tired of feeling so confused and unworthy all the time. Richie didn’t need something greater than himself; he had his friends.

“I don’t need something bigger than me,” he finally said.

“Why not?”

Richie turned to face Eddie, “I have you don’t I? I believe in you.”

His eyes went wide in response, all pretty and spacey like they normally did when he was thinking too hard about something. He flushed again, but the color was muted this time – a soft pink, just barely there. If he wanted to stare any longer (which he did) Richie also could have taken note of the winter faded freckles still scattered across the bridge of his nose. He didn’t though, he only smiled at him briefly before looking away.

“Plus, I haven’t been to church since I was, like, twelve,” he said, “it’d be weird if I showed up again out of nowhere.”

Eddie chuckled, “Fair enough.”

“I _am_ a bit curious as to what it looks like now,” Richie admitted, “I remember it being nice around Christmas.”

“You haven’t seen it on your way over?”

He shook his head, “I take a different road. It’s easier getting here.”

“Do you…” Eddie looked like he was trying to carefully consider his words, “…want to see it?”

“ _Now?_ "

“We don’t have to go in, but hardly anyone shows up for midnight mass anyways. The church is really pretty from the outside and apparently the bells do something cool when the clock strikes twelve,” he offered.

He thought it over for a few moments before giving a quick nod in response. There wasn’t much Richie wanted to see before they left in the spring since he knew Derry fairly well but he hadn’t seen some of the older buildings in a few years. Plus, he wouldn’t mind looking at more lights.

The pair bundled up before they made their way down the old oak tree. Eddie tugged on his new jacket after slipping into a grey hoodie, then turned to Richie and insisted that he borrow a beanie so he wouldn’t get sick. He clutched the knit fabric to his head as he descended the branches, annoyed and appreciative all at once. He landed first and helped Eddie make the final leap to the ground.

After they were settled, Richie pulled his bike from behind the bushes and handed his helmet to Eddie. He was too big to ride on the handlebars like he used, but that was an easy problem to work around. Eddie would simply take the small seat and cling to Richie while he pedaled them down the road. 

It didn’t take long for them to make it to the church as it was only a few blocks away. Richie left his bike in the empty parking lot and joined Eddie on the sidewalk leading to the building’s entrance. They walked the path for a little before stopping at the bottom of the church’s steps.

He’d been right, there wasn’t anyone there and the atmosphere was strangely peaceful despite how quiet it was. The church looked beautiful from the outside – nothing but stained-glass murals and twinkling white lights that draped across the entire building. Even the nativity was well lit and taken care of. There was a slight glow that came from the underside of the massive wooden door out front, meaning that someone was inside, but they weren’t moving about the main room.

“Wow,” Eddie whispered from beside him.

Richie nodded, “Wow.”

They stood in silence for a bit, taking in the sight before them. It was so _still;_ the roads were empty and the sky was tinted yellow from all the streetlamps. Richie could clearly make out their breaths from where they stood and he swore that it was starting to snow again.

Eddie’s watch beeped, a gentle reminder that it was two minutes until midnight.

“Oh! I think the bells play a little tune. Let’s get closer,” he insisted, tugging Richie up the stairs with him.

When they stopped, Eddie stood at the edge of the top step. He excitedly rocked back onto his heels and stared up at the small bell tower in wonder. His hands were tucked into his jacket pockets to keep them warm and his breath came out in short little bursts. Richie knew that his fidgety habits could potentially get him hurt, so he stayed on the step right beneath his to steady him if needed.

He thought Eddie looked wonderful like this – with the whole church and the snowy sky as his backdrop. He liked the awestricken expression that seized his face. He liked how surprised he looked staring up at something that shouldn’t be as much of a spectacle to him as it was. Richie liked Eddie.

He _loved_ him.

And it was just another unspoken truth to their nature. Even when the lines blurred they still came back with a startling clarity in private moments like this. There weren’t any higher powers dealing their hand, this was entirely human. Entirely them.

“Rich, listen! It’s gonna happen!”

As soon as the words left his mouth the bells began to toll. They played a tune that Richie recognized but couldn’t put a name to. The sound of them broke the comfortable silence and echoed throughout the surrounding streets.

Eddie turned to face him, smile so wide and bright that it must have hurt. He took hold of Richie’s arm and leaned all of his weight into him like he knew that he prepared for it. Eddie’s eyes darted across his face for a moment before his smile softened into something more personal. Their faces were so close that he could hardly make out their mingled breaths between them.

And, oh, Richie _wanted –_ wanted to hold him there, wanted to close the distance, wanted to finally be honest with himself. His whole being was filled with w _ant, want, want._

“Eds…I-”

“I know,” Eddie said, lightly bumping Richie’s forehead with his own.

“You know?”

He hummed in affirmation, curling his fingers into the fabric of his coat. He gently nudged the cool tip of his nose against Richie’s, “Can I kiss you now?”

He nodded before letting Eddie tug him forward to close the remaining space between them. His hands and mouth were unbelievably warm, and Richie could barely make out the taste of something sweet on his tongue. The bells still sounded around them and with each new toll Eddie only pressed into him further. He kissed Richie like _he wanted,_ too.

Richie probably should have cared more about the current time or their surroundings. They were kissing on the top steps of a church – out in the open street for everyone in their shitty town (including God) to see. The streetlamps were on and the twinkling lights hanging up front only illuminated their figures more. Eddie’s mom was waiting for him back home, sleeping soundly with the knowledge that he’d be back here at dawn for an early service.

Richie should have cared more, but he didn’t.

Because this was everything he wanted. This was years of _aching_ and _yearning_ for something he never thought he’d have. This was staring into the face of god and fate and every other fucked up “ruling force” in the universe with defiance since he’d beaten their odds.

The bells had finished by the time they pulled away but their ears still rang uncomfortably from how close they were to the source. Eddie rested his head against Richie’s as the pair took a moment to catch their breath. His hands were also settled on his shoulders to help keep them from falling over. The two hadn’t said anything since they parted, but eventually their heavy breathing turned into light laughter.

“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” Eddie admitted between giggles.

“Wish you would’ve,” Richie said, clutching Eddie’s sides to keep him from leaning any further forward.

“I was going to earlier tonight, but I wanted it to be somewhere nicer,” he explained.

Richie shrugged, “I wouldn’t have cared. You could have kissed me in the alleyway next to a dumpster and it would have been fine if you called _that_ my gift.”

Eddie chuckled and leaned in to give him another quick kiss, “Merry Christmas, then.”

“Merry Christmas,” he said, feeling entirely too melty for the weather outside.

They only hung around the church for a short while longer before deciding to make their way back to Eddie’s house. They caught a few fleeting glimpses of the lights and glass murals as Richie rounded the corner to take them home. After they made it back and repeated the hiding process for his bike, the pair made their way back into Eddie’s room.

Richie was quick to shrug off his wet clothes and flop back into the corner of the bed where the wall met the mattress. His legs hung over the edge and there was hardly enough room to fit the both of them anymore, but it didn’t really matter. Eddie was quick to climb in after him and push into his space. His back was pressed flush against Richie’s chest and his hands laid flat over the ones that were splayed across his stomach. All the lights were off and his glasses were tucked carefully beneath his pillow. Their breathing was finally beginning to even out when Eddie turned over to glance at him.

“Wake me up before you go?” he mumbled; voice already addled with sleep.

“Sure thing, Spaghetti,” Richie whispered, pressing a gentle kiss his temple.

The next morning he struggled to untangle himself from the blankets and Eddie’s grasp, but once he did Richie made silent work of getting dressed and gathering his things. It was still dark out and there was no light chirping or distant traffic to signal that morning was coming soon. The only noises that sounded were Eddie’s light snores and the house shifting with the force of the wind.

Once Richie was packed and ready to go he walked over to the bed and ran his hand through Eddies hair. He hated to wake him so early, but he knew that the other boy got mad when he didn’t get to say goodbye.

“Eds,” he whispered

Eddie’s only response was to shift in place and give a soft hum in protest to being woken up.

“Baby, I’m leaving now.”

“Wah?”

“I’m going," Richie explained, cupping his face, "don’t wanna risk Mrs. K catching me, then I’ll have to get myself out of trouble with makeup-”

“Beep beep, Trashmouth,” he said, leaning into Richie’s gentle touch.

He chuckled at the automatic response and bent over to plant a kiss on Eddie’s forehead. Richie straightened out the covers and gave his hair a quick ruffle before he turned towards the bedroom window. Eddie caught his hand as he was leaving, though, and held it there to keep him from walking any further.

“Come back later,” he whispered, looking up at Richie with sleep heavy eyes.

He squeezed his hand and smiled, “Okay.”

When Eddie let go Richie made his way back to the exit and carefully climbed through the open space. He glanced back at Eddie one last time before letting out a contented sigh and shutting the window behind him. The air was painfully cool on his skin and his bones ached from how stiff they were, but Richie had never felt so warm.

He didn’t need something bigger than himself to believe in. He had careful hands, a beating heart, and a bright smile waiting for him.

 _He just had to get there_.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been so busy with finals that writing anything lately has been super difficult. It felt nice to get something sweet and personal out into the world after months of blank word docs. I hope it was as nice to read as it was to write. Please make sure you all take care of yourselves - social distance, wear your masks, wash your hands and all that jazz. I love you guys! Stay safe and most importantly happy xoxo <3 :)


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